Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
