It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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