I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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