i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
