I'll bet she douches with gravy.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
