I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
