I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
