this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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