I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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