weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
