i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Randomize
