Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
