You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
