I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
