remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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