I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
