my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
