just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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