I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
The struggles of a small town man whore
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
tell me about the eggs
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