Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
This toilet bowl is my home.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
