genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He had one of those small greek statue penises
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
