How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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