mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
