And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
