I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
