When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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