everyone is single if you try hard enough
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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