You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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