I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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