paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Randomize
