tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Randomize
