I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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