I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
