I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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