My hair reeks of homosexuality.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
