she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I checked into jail on foursquare
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
