Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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