I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
