i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
