I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
