Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
