So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
