I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i think my mom watched the whole time
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
