I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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