why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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