There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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