so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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