he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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