dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
