what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
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