i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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