I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
