break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I need to stop coming to work sober
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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