That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
